Dave's Rules of Restaurants -- v 1.0

“Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.”

 John Goodman as Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski

Ever since the advent of cable television, broadcasting stopped being broadcasting and started being narrowcasting. There are channels devoted to every tiny sub-slice of American culture. From Baseball only to Big Ten sports only, there’s a channel for that.

I had just moved back to The Triangle from Baltimore in 1994, when I first saw The Food Network. I had just come off a stint working in the hottest restaurant in town, Tabrizi’s. They were showing an episode of Cooking with Master Chefs and Julia Child was doing a spot with young and skinny Emeril Lagasse on how to deep fry a turkey. I remember thinking at the time: “who in the hell, other than me, is going to watch this more than a couple of times?”

How short sighted of me. The Food Network is a behemoth, launching dozens of celebrity chefs into superstardom. Emeril has his own line of cookware. Paula Deen and Rachel Ray each have their own magazines. Guy Fieri does Aflac commercials.

I begrudge them nothing. I’m glad they’re successful and I’m sure they inspired many that a life in the kitchen is a good thing. One can look upon The Food Network as the Genesis of The new American Culinary Tradition.

But that being said, there are plenty crummy restaurants out there. While there is plenty of talent, there are also plenty of wannabes and fraudsters. Separating the good from the bad can be complicated and difficult. Even if one can believe a published restaurant review, reviewers can very easily wrap themselves in whatever is the fad of the moment. Like Culinary Fashion-istas, they hop from the hottest joint in town to the next hottest joint, their entourage playing follow the leader down the road to foodie hipness.

It’s as simple as that. So there may be a hidden agenda in the subtext. Mine point of view is that I like Paleo-foods. It’s my take on the way food should be prepared – simple and without pretention. You may not agree with it but it’s out there in advance and you know it before you digest a word.

And that’s okay as far as it goes.

But the practical diner needs more than a review from a self-styled foodie that thinks he/she has found the next great thing. There is nothing worse than going to a recently reviewed restaurant to find that the kitchen is so slammed that they can’t get the food out the door and onto your table. Diner’s need a short list of do’s and don’ts so that they can experience the joys of discovering the next hot spot themselves. What diners need, is Dave’s Rules of Restaurants, a simple guide as to what to look for, and what to avoid. They are some general rules:

•  It’s foolish to defy a restaurant’s DNA. If the place is famous for burgers, don’t order the chicken.
• Food is not entertainment.
• Chefs, who do small things well, usually do big things well.
• Over tip breakfast and lunch waiters. I do.
• Sumner Redstone, the Viacom CEO, once said that a really good hot dog is almost as good as a steak. He’s right. Find your local joint and support it.

There are some definite things to look for:

• Anyplace that has a parking lot full of cab drivers and cops is doing something right. These cats have limited time and limited dough to eat so it’s got to be relatively cheap and relatively fast. This is one rule that’s never let me down, from Aruba to New York and everywhere in between.
• If you see a line outside of a road food truck, it’s worth a stop.
• Eating at the bar is good. Generally, you’ll get better service with a more relaxed atmosphere.
• You can usually get a reservation at the hottest place in town on Super Bowl Sunday, providing it doesn’t have a TV.
• Simple is generally better.

And there are some definite things to run away from:

• Never eat in any joint that has a “help wanted” sign on the door. They either don’t have the staff to cook for you, or the staff to deliver it to you, or both. And they’re advertising that fact on the door of their business. Run away.
• A chef being overly ambitious is a quick way to kill a good meal. Unless the chef has a serious reputation for running a tight ship, avoid overly complicated dishes. More ingredients equal more moving parts. More moving parts can lead to skipped steps and ingredients. That can lead to mediocrity and disappointment.
• Sunday brunch is where line cooks pretend to be chefs and bus boys pretend to be line cooks, since the A list chef is probably at home after working a busy Saturday night shift. While there are some exceptions (and Ali from The Hibernian I’m talking about you specifically), bail on brunch unless you can order from the regular menu. And when ordering, see rule b above.
• Mother Day’s is a bad day to go out to lunch. Everyone else in America is doing the same thing: taking Mom to lunch. Ditto Valentine’s Day. Stay home and cook something made with love.
• Regarding wine table service, don’t sniff the cork. You’ll look like an idiot and you’ll learn nothing. Do check to see if it’s moist, though. That means it was stored correctly and probably won’t be vinegar.

With a bit of luck and some perseverance, intrepid diners can find their own hidden gems without having to rely on professionals.